i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
yeah, it was that bad.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
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another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
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I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history