So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
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You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
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You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava