i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i will never coherently bang her
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.