she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.