I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.