Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
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once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
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We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.