I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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