He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
