You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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