This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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