My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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