I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
