Why does Corona taste like a burp?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
