so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
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Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
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I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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