He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
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Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
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Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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