I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
