I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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