i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just made my gag reflex go away.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.