i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
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