I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize