Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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