just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
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Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
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What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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