A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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