She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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