There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
