After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
