were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
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Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
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Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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