Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
