Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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