I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He uses pillows to masturbate.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
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You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
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The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize