Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
