I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I deserve this hangover.
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