I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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