my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight