I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO