My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Farmville is her only friend.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face