I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
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A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
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He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.