Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.