hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP