I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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