Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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