I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
