I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
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You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
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Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor