Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
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I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
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P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.