you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
