you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
