If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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