Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
