I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
