I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I lost the right to judge tonight
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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