someone threw a dead crab at me
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize