Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
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Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
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I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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