Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
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Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
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They are going to name an STD after you.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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