I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
