Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
