Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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