i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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