I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
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He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
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I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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