the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
