The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
