did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
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I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
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Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize